If you’ve ever dreamed of love between a woman and a flamingo, then your wish is granted. The Flamingo’s Fated Mate, the first in a series of novellas about Lawn Ornament shifters, tells of romance between a baker and a millionaire who is also a flamingo shifter. I present the following without judgment, purely for your factual edification:
- No one has sex in the form of a flamingo (lawn ornament or actual).
- The sex that does occur is medium explicit – I’d say barely R-rated.
Now that we have the business out of the way, we can commence to plot. Anita is new in town and trying to establish her bakery business which is named ‘Donut Worry, Be Happy.’ She has been commissioned to provide two thousand cupcakes to the Wild and Wet Charity Gala, and she stayed up all night baking and decorating all two thousand.
Imagine her dismay when she braves a storm to deliver them only to be told by the janitor that the event has been cancelled on account of the terrible weather that Anita just braved. Then imagine her embarrassment when she realizes that the person she assumed was a janitor is actually the extremely rich host of the party.
Frank is an artist who creates one-of-a kind moving sculptures, which he auctions off to high-end collectors. He also makes smaller, cheaper versions of the sculptures which are sold in mainstream stores. As a result, he is, as Anita jokingly calls him, “a gazillionaire.”
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Unbeknownst to Anita, he is also a flamingo shifter, and he immediately realizes that Anita is his Fated Mate. No sooner have the two met and established that Frank is a gazillionaire than the power goes out. Frank and Anita are stranded in a big…IDK, charity venue? Is it a hotel? A club? Storm or no storm, seems like SOMEBODY else would be there. But Frank and Anita are all along and they have all night to get to know each other and to figure out what or who keeps making mysterious noises.
In her preface, the author reveals that she first proposed this book as an April Fool’s Joke, and at no time does it take itself too seriously. The plot is barely existent, and the entire situation is silly in the extreme, especially once an owl shifter shows up and hijinks commence. However, the banter between Anita and Frank is truly funny and charming, at least for the first half of the book. Also, Frank writes a terrible poem that charmed me all to bits.
Eventually I thought the banter went downhill – there’s a fine line between silly- funny and silly -corny. At some point Anita and Frank start a game of Simon Says that just never ever ends and I went from liking this couple to wanting to toss them out into the blizzard. But maybe it’s just me.
And then this description happened:
They were stupendous breasts. They were round in all the right places…
What?
What does that even mean?
Is there a wrong place for breasts to be round?
Is it possible that in all the sex scenes I have encountered in the world of literature, this is the worst half sentence I have ever read?
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I have spent a truly stunning amount of brain power on trying to unravel this phrase. What the fuckety fuck.
In other news, Frank offers to use a condom and Anita tells him he doesn’t have to because she’s on the pill. Babes, the pill will not protect either one of you from STDs. You’ve known each other for less than 24 hours. Use a condom.
The line about the breasts and some really cringe-worthy smug humor later in the book is causing me to knock this down to a C+, but overall, it’s a sweet, warm-hearted story about nice people with an emphasis on consent and emotional safety. At least 50% of it is funny and cute. There are no stakes here, it’s as cozy as can be. They literally build a blanket fort. If you want a super short, cozy romance with zero stakes that doesn’t take itself seriously and exists merely to amuse and entertain, you could do worse.
