So we open back in Malta at the Pre Dreaded Rose Ceremony where Maria is crying.
There was beef between Sydney and Maria (that appeared to be manufactured entirely by Sydney).
Joey sent Sydney home, but now Lea has taken over having pretend drama with Maria.
None of this makes any sense by the way.
Don’t try to think about it too hard.
Then it’s time for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Maria has a date rose, so she can’t be eliminated.
Lea stays. Edwina and Allison go home.
The next day everyone departs for Spain.
The first one-on-one goes to Kelsey A. They take a Vespa and go shopping for food for a picnic. During their picnic Joey asks her if she’s falling in love yet and she says she’s not falling, but she’s tripping.
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During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Kelsey tells him about how her mom passed away from breast cancer and it’s hard for her to think about the fact that her mom won’t be at her wedding. She gets the date rose.
The next day is a group date at this really gorgeous villa. The women have to come up with a quote about Joey, and then use paint and a canvas to turn that quote into art.
My quote would be, “Eh.”
Then I would go for a swim in the pool that looks amazing.
Again, I don’t know why Joey is participating in these challenges that are about him, but he is and he does a terrible painting of a faceless man holding an engagement ring and that man’s hand is on backwards. Like the thumb is on the outside.
Lea paints a bunch of flowers and is explaining the meaning of the hibiscus when Joey goes “Biscus!” really loud. Is he drunk again?
I mean, to be fair, I would be.
Jess wins the date. The prize is she and Joey get to rub body paint on each other. Meh.
During the cocktail hour, Kelsey T tells him she has strong feelings for him.
Maria tells him she was raised mostly by men after her mom left. She winds up getting the group date rose and Lea says, “My heart …is in my ass.”
I feel like that would be a medical emergency, but ok.
PAGING DR NIPS. Her heart is in her ass!
The next one-on-one goes to Rachel. They learn to flamenco dance.
Joey wears flamenco boots and white shorts. It’s a great combo.
During dinner she talks about her passion for nursing (she’s an ICU nurse). Despite not doing the performative trauma thing, she still gets the date rose.
The next morning Jesse and Joey are playing tennis while the women hang by the pool. Then it’s time for the Pre Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party.
This episode is really boring.
Then Maria, who already has a rose, steals Joey from another woman, and Jess is upset because not all the women have roses (which is the point but ok) and haven’t had time with him.
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Jess calls Maria rude and disrespectful.
Maria says she needs to grow up and Jess storms off.
There’s a bunch of yelling by everyone.
Jess sobs in Lea’s arms.
Is this episode sponsored by Excedrin?
Then it’s rose time. Madina and Autumn go home.
That’s it. Are you watching?
